Thanks for the Feedback

by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen

Read Date

October 2023

Reading Time

5 hours

★★★★½

4.5/5

CommunicationPersonal Development

Summary

Stone and Heen revolutionize our understanding of feedback dynamics in this research-backed guide. The authors dissect why even well-intentioned feedback often triggers defensive reactions, offering practical frameworks to transform criticism into actionable insights. Through neuroscience and psychology lenses, they reveal how to decode feedback's hidden messages and manage emotional responses effectively.

The book distinguishes between three feedback types (appreciation, coaching, and evaluation) and provides tailored strategies for each. Particularly valuable is the emphasis on the receiver's role in the feedback process - arguing that skillful reception is just as crucial as thoughtful delivery.

Key Takeaways

1. The Feedback Triad
Recognize whether feedback is appreciation, coaching, or evaluation - each requires different handling.

2. Separate the "What" from the "Who"
Disentangle the message's content from your relationship with the giver.

3. Spot Your Triggers
Identify common reaction patterns (truth, relationship, identity triggers) that distort feedback reception.

4. The Coaching Conversation
Ask clarifying questions to transform vague criticism into specific, actionable input.

5. Second Score Concept
Rate yourself on how well you received feedback, independent of its content quality.

Favorite Quotes

"Feedback is not just helpful information - it's a relationship transaction."

"We don't just receive feedback, we interpret it - and that interpretation is often flawed."

"The best feedback receivers are curious detectives, not defensive lawyers."

"Your growth rate equals your feedback absorption rate."

Personal Reflection

This book fundamentally changed how I approach performance reviews at work. Using the "Second Score" concept, I've learned to assess my receptiveness separately from the feedback's validity. The trigger identification framework helped me recognize my tendency to dismiss feedback from junior colleagues (a relationship trigger I hadn't acknowledged).

Implementing the "Coaching Conversation" techniques has yielded surprising insights - asking "What specifically would good look like?" often reveals mismatched expectations rather than personal shortcomings. However, applying these methods with emotional intelligence remains challenging during high-stakes evaluations.

The research on neurological feedback responses helped me normalize initial defensive reactions while creating space for more rational processing. Six months post-reading, I've noticed improved team dynamics and more frequent feedback requests from colleagues.

Who Should Read This

Essential reading for:

Managers and team leaders
Professionals in feedback-heavy industries
Individuals sensitive to criticism
Anyone involved in mentorship roles
Teams improving their feedback culture
Leaders navigating organizational changes